ABUSE AND THE FAMILY:
(Taken in part from a sermon by Dr. Frank Cox, Pastor at North Metro Baptist Church).
Psalm 147:3-6
He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.
He counts the number of the stars; He calls them all by name.
Great is our Lord and mighty in power:
His understanding is infinite.
The Lord lifts up the humble;
He casts the wicked down to the ground.
Let’s break down these verses:
How does God see abuse (oppression)? What can/does He do about it? According to His word, the Bible, found in Psalm 147: 3 – 6:
He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. If you are a victim of abuse, God sees and knows. Nothing escapes His notice. He can/will bring healing into your life and situation. Sometimes it may depend upon whether you will allow Him to work and if you are obedient to His word.
He counts the number of the stars: He calls them all by name. Since He knows all the names of the stars, he certainly knows you by name! He sees you. He sees your situation. You are His creation and He loves you.
God is our Lord and is mighty in power. None of us as human beings can change the heart of another person. We may influence them to some degree, but only God has the power to completely change another’s heart. He has limitless strength and power. Even so, He doesn’t force anyone to do anything.
His understanding is infinite. He understands everything about each of us and our circumstances. There’s no end to His understanding.
The Lord lifts up the humble. God can put the fallen ones back up on their feet again. He is the only one who can bring wholeness and healing. He sees our hearts and our humility.
He casts the wicked down to the ground. He favors those who put their trust in Him, but He brings down the wicked. Even though we don’t understand His ways, He is never late in bringing His justice.
2 Timothy 3: 2 – 5:
For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness, but denying it’s power. And from such people turn away.
These verses characterize the breakdown of society and, also, the family. Men/women (abusers) are caught up with their own wants and love of self and their own needs and desires. It’s all about power and control. The love of self is the foundation for all depravity.
• The moment someone makes love of self and their own self-will the center of their life, divine and human relationships are destroyed. Love of God and others becomes impossible.
• Men/women (abusers) are traitors because of self; they are headstrong because of self; they are haughty because of self; and they are lovers of pleasure because of self.
• From such people turn away. Those who practice continually the things on this list are common in today’s world. The simple responsibility of Christians is to turn away, not only from these actions and attitudes, but also from those who do them.
If we do not turn away from those who practice such behaviors, we are opening ourselves up to participate, not only in their sin, but the consequence of their actions can affect us even though we didn’t do them.
Victims are not responsible for the sins of the abusers. Abusers would have them think that, in some way, the issues are their victims’ fault, but it’s not true. They make their choices.
As we see in 2 Timothy 3: 2-5, we see the classic behavior of abusers, but we are not saying that people who commit these sins are abusers only. There are times when even a faithful follower of Jesus may fall into temptation and may succumb to that a sin. But the believer will experience conviction from the Holy Spirit and will realize the problem, repent and receive God’s forgiveness and allow Him to work in them in such a way that they would be strong enough to fight the desire to continue in that sin.
However, the key word here is “continue.” Abusers who “continually” walk in and even enjoy the sin, are not repentant. They have no intention of changing or stopping.
Again, with them, it’s all about power and control. These are so rebellious that he/she will not even approach the negotiating table to mediate grace or even consider their actions as wrong. They can put on a good show to convince you they are sorrowful or remorseful over their sin, but usually it is just a tactic to manipulate to achieve their own goal of getting their way and the “change” will soon disappear.
Our only hope is “from such people turn away.” I am not suggesting divorce (read my previous post on Divorce for further details). You can separate yourself from someone who is slowly and intentionally destroying you and everything around you without getting a divorce. Your safety, and that of your children, are your responsibility in these situations.
Refer to 2 Timothy 3: 2-5. God does not avoid or condone abuse. He calls it out for what it is. It’s described in these verses. This is what abuse and narcissism look like. These two usually go together.
You may never have heard this before, and, if you have, you may not have recognized it for what it is. Our enemy, Satan, would like to keep you deceived and blinded from the truth. The way to defeat deception, lies and blindness is to battle them with the truth. That truth can only be found in God’s word.
As I mentioned before, God’s word had much to say about abuse (oppression), including the various kinds of abuse and tactics of the enemy.
The Book of Psalms has many references to the dynamics of abuse. There are at least 100 verses in Psalm that relate to abuse. The author of most of the Psalms, King David, suffered various forms of abuse even at the hand of Saul. It wasn’t domestic abuse as it is defined today, however, the dynamics can still be almost the same.
I won’t, of course, list all 100 verses. You can search them out for yourself, but I will name a few and reveal how they relate to domestic violence.
Psalm 102:8 – My enemies reproach me all day long; those who deride me swear an oath against me.
• Reproach means to express disapproval or criticism. An abuser is not your enemy (not the flesh and blood enemy, but Satan working through him/her) and constantly criticizes and aggravates their victim.
Psalm 190:20 – Let this be the Lord’s reward to my accusers and to those who speak evil against my person.
• An abuser threatens you and speaks evil of you to your face and to others. He/she uses words of intimidation, meaning to frighten or threaten someone to coerce them into doing something they don’t want to do or to prevent them from doing what they want to do. Speaking evil can be a verbal threat, physical action or any behavior that makes you fearful.
Psalm 69: 18 – 20(a) – Draw near to my soul and redeem it, deliver me because of my enemies. You know my reproach, my shame, and dishonor; my adversaries are all before You. Reproach has broken my heart, and I am full of heaviness. (Recall the definition of reproach from vs. 102:8).
• These verses speak of “denigration” which means “an abusive attack on a person’s character or good name.” Telling others things that are not true about you; telling others your faults to bring dishonor; to shame you to bring about humiliation —-a way of always putting you down.
Psalm 73:8 – They scoff and speak wickedly concerning oppression (abuse); they speak loftily.
“Loftily” means haughtily, proudly or with arrogance. This describes their corrupt and oppressive (abusive) speech, revealing their exaggerated sense of their own superiority. They say there is no abuse. They use these behaviors to control you and bully you with words and actions. Manipulation also fits into these actions as a way of controlling or influencing you for their own selfish gain, often through deceit, coercion, and other underhanded means.
Psalm 31:13 – For I hear the slander of many; fear is on every side; while they take counsel together against me, they scheme to take away my life. (I repeat, keep in mind that our true enemy is not the abuser as a person, but the enemy of our very soul who is using the abuser as a tool in his hand to do his will).
• This verse can reflect the following:
• Fear – what is the plan against me? They want to take my life.
• They defame my character and people turn against me and believe lies
• Condemnation from the mocking of me with lies and deception
• Will I be physically killed? Will my children be harmed?
You can research the Book of Psalms and find other books of the Bible that reveal to you the dynamics of abuse as well as what God thinks and says about it. Be prepared to explain what you’ve learned when someone tell you, “There is nothing in the Bible about domestic violence.” But, more importantly, you will know for yourself and be able to learn about God’s character, love and concern for those who are victims.